Thirty

It’s been over a year and a half since a post has been published on here so thank you for reading <3.

@positivelysparkly

When this blog first began I was 27 years old, nearly 28. Which inspired the reason for this site because I was turning ’28’, apparently that was HUGE to me back then. So much time has passed and passed quicker than usual, I turn 30 next month. I promise not to write a long list of all the things I’ve learnt up till now (maybe), or to give some long lecture on how to live life in your 20’s. To be honest – aside from this eye twitch I get whenever I’m on the screen too long, there is nothing about me that feels 30 years old. I am starting to realise that age really is just a number and timing is everything.

I got into the habit of telling people I am a lot younger (appropriately younger) than I actually am whenever they would ask my age and not because I genuinely look like I am 23 years but because when you are pushing 30 other questions follow.
‘OOO are you married??’… ‘Do you have children?’ …‘What do you do for work?’… ‘Where do you live?’ And when your questions fail their standards of a 30 year old, they want to fix it. ‘WeLl We nEeD tO FiNd yOu a PaRtNeR AsAp’ or ‘oh dear YOUR body clock is ticking!’ or ‘oh…so you’re a MATURE AGE student? BRAVE!’ And then there’s the other people (you know the nice ones) that say ‘oh WOWSERS you look so amazing for 30, like soooooooo amazinggggg!!!’ As if at 30 they expect you to suddenly get wrinkles and sagging eye lids? what…is …that? And friends are not excused, once they find themselves in their dream job or find their life partner or fall pregnant its always ‘You’re next babe!!’ with a wink.

The thing is I get these overwhelming feelings of failure on my worst days and they are usually triggered by people with the best intentions saying things like the above, or triggered by my mind creating competition with people I don’t even know on social.

A year ago I started seeing a therapist (like consistently) and in my first session I remember saying ‘I just want to make sure there is nothing wrong with me, like I need you to tell me that I will be OK …’ I guess I have struggled for years with how old I am and where I’m at in life compared to others my age. It’s no lie that a lot, if not all of the kids I grew up with in school are married with children now, are in a successful career now, own property and dont shy from flaunting their achievements on social. From the outside others seem to ‘have it together’. I just needed someone to tell me that the path I am on is just as important or just as post worthy. Then again, that’s the devil inside SM, you become an illusionist, you can portray only the best side of your life if you want to – you can quite literally filter out the rest. On one hand, it’s good because your life behind the screen is nobodies business. But the power one session of lurking false realities on Instagram has…is scary. And please tell me it’s not just me because I know I am not the only one that spends an hour looking through story after story and slowly feel my mental health go from 97 to 7 real quick. But that’s the thing I was reminded of that day in therapy, like who am I to say those perfect profiles don’t have struggles behind the screen and to think their lives are picturesque compared to mine? but its not only that, its more than that right? like lets say some people genuinely have it all… timing is everything.

@DaylightIllustrations

I spent my late teens and most of my 20’s having fun. I didn’t think about my future self, I was living in the moment. I mean, for five years I was living overseas and I knew that had to come to an end at some point but I really had no plans for when I returned, even when I came back home it took me a couple of years to find my feet again. And still, I can’t say I wish I did things differently. I don’t wish I settled down earlier. I had so much fun, some days I still think of summer 2014, it was– the best summer of my life. Of course with fun and games comes heart ache and debt and loss and grief and pain, I get that, but so does marriage, babies, careers and success. Like we may all be 30 now and some may have their dream lives but no one is exempt from the struggle. You know?

What A Time To Be Alone’ by Chidera Eggerue

I recently went away with my parents for a few nights to stay near the beach and as I was practicing gratitude, I felt like…I have everything I could possibly ever want, right here, right now. I have my family, my health, I have good friends and my goals, my motivation and drive. I have my self and she’s on my side not only that but I love who she is becoming. These feelings of failure may be triggered by what other people say or what other people post and maybe it’s always going to be my battle but at the end of the day I have to own my life, my choices and where I am now.

Anyway, I promised not to lecture so here is my pre-birthday vent … to 30 yeah? ❤

Ef xo

Ray of sunshine #motivation

I can really feel the energy of the Virgo new moon starting to take effect. My life actually seems to look a little brighter than usual. Weird, but true.

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Do you ever wonder how some people are positive, colourful, little rays of sunshine, candy floss 99% of the time? The ones that turn any negative situation into a rainbow. Those who take on a mighty challenge and look at it as personal development. The ones who clog up your news feed with smiling selfies and theGoodQuote.

If not, you’re probably one of them. and don’t get me wrong, you don’t annoy me, I admire you. But how are you positive and full of energy for life 99% of the time?

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To master life is to transform the energy we feel at any moment into cheerful engagement and deep appreciation.’

Lately I’ve been focusing on self awareness, practising mindfulness and reminding myself that happiness is a result of thought.
I mentioned briefly in my previous post that I’ve read quite a few self help books recently.
I’ve noticed that one of the things these books have in common is reinforcing the fact that happiness is a result of how we think.

It’s hard to absorb that and apply it to your life when its basically saying, ‘You’re responsible for your own happiness’, especially when you genuinely feel so ‘up and down’ and out of control, so much of the time.

So, I’ve been reading The Motivation Manifesto by Brendan Burchard : 9 declarations to claim your personal power.
Declaration #1 We shall meet life with full presence and power.

Living in the present, for an overthinking Virgo, is hard af.
It’s natural for me to check out of the present moment and think about tomorrow or next week, next month, even 5 years time.
I have this fear that tomorrow wont go according to plan or next week will be worse than the last. I zone out thinking about where I’ll be in 5 years, hoping that I’d have met my goals and succeeded in one way or another.
These worries take me away from enjoying the present moment, enjoying my life, there’s no flow. I have no god damn flow.

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‘If we are not vigilant, being around constant worry can quickly limit who we are and what we might be capable of.’

Apparently it’s pretty normal though and without talking about anxiety, I know I’m not alone. Practising self awareness has really helped me to connect with myself.
Without detaching from myself, I’m recognising how I am acting and reacting in the moment. Making choices to change my reality and thinking differently to feel differently.
Im noticing when I’m making poor choices, thinking negatively of myself or others around me.
Connecting with myself and my life is helping me sense a conflict straight up, it’s helping me to recognise that I’m about to go from 0-100 real quick and assess what the appropriate action to take is.
I’ve been making an effort to think before I speak, before I act and before I react.
And I’ve been asking myself the necessary questions to work out the results I want to see in my life.

img_9268‘Awareness + Discipline = Freedom’

I highly recommend reading The Motivation Manifesto. I know it’s been a popular read over the last year and I can see why. It’s written in such a way that his words play on your mind throughout the day. THEY NEVER LEAVE YOU.

My god, it’s all a big journey. But I think it’s a journey worth taking.
I’ve never wanted to be a lollipops and rainbows sort of a person, as principle. But there needs to be a balance. There needs to be a happy life behind the screens we all play on everyday. I don’t believe that you wake up one day and suddenly, your life is magic. I believe it takes a lot of grafting and mind-shifting to become the person you want to be.

So to the positive rays of sunshine bubble tea, that blow up my feed every morning – good on you… it’s not an easy feat.

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Ef. xx