Thirty

It’s been over a year and a half since a post has been published on here so thank you for reading <3.

@positivelysparkly

When this blog first began I was 27 years old, nearly 28. Which inspired the reason for this site because I was turning ’28’, apparently that was HUGE to me back then. So much time has passed and passed quicker than usual, I turn 30 next month. I promise not to write a long list of all the things I’ve learnt up till now (maybe), or to give some long lecture on how to live life in your 20’s. To be honest – aside from this eye twitch I get whenever I’m on the screen too long, there is nothing about me that feels 30 years old. I am starting to realise that age really is just a number and timing is everything.

I got into the habit of telling people I am a lot younger (appropriately younger) than I actually am whenever they would ask my age and not because I genuinely look like I am 23 years but because when you are pushing 30 other questions follow.
‘OOO are you married??’… ‘Do you have children?’ …‘What do you do for work?’… ‘Where do you live?’ And when your questions fail their standards of a 30 year old, they want to fix it. ‘WeLl We nEeD tO FiNd yOu a PaRtNeR AsAp’ or ‘oh dear YOUR body clock is ticking!’ or ‘oh…so you’re a MATURE AGE student? BRAVE!’ And then there’s the other people (you know the nice ones) that say ‘oh WOWSERS you look so amazing for 30, like soooooooo amazinggggg!!!’ As if at 30 they expect you to suddenly get wrinkles and sagging eye lids? what…is …that? And friends are not excused, once they find themselves in their dream job or find their life partner or fall pregnant its always ‘You’re next babe!!’ with a wink.

The thing is I get these overwhelming feelings of failure on my worst days and they are usually triggered by people with the best intentions saying things like the above, or triggered by my mind creating competition with people I don’t even know on social.

A year ago I started seeing a therapist (like consistently) and in my first session I remember saying ‘I just want to make sure there is nothing wrong with me, like I need you to tell me that I will be OK …’ I guess I have struggled for years with how old I am and where I’m at in life compared to others my age. It’s no lie that a lot, if not all of the kids I grew up with in school are married with children now, are in a successful career now, own property and dont shy from flaunting their achievements on social. From the outside others seem to ‘have it together’. I just needed someone to tell me that the path I am on is just as important or just as post worthy. Then again, that’s the devil inside SM, you become an illusionist, you can portray only the best side of your life if you want to – you can quite literally filter out the rest. On one hand, it’s good because your life behind the screen is nobodies business. But the power one session of lurking false realities on Instagram has…is scary. And please tell me it’s not just me because I know I am not the only one that spends an hour looking through story after story and slowly feel my mental health go from 97 to 7 real quick. But that’s the thing I was reminded of that day in therapy, like who am I to say those perfect profiles don’t have struggles behind the screen and to think their lives are picturesque compared to mine? but its not only that, its more than that right? like lets say some people genuinely have it all… timing is everything.

@DaylightIllustrations

I spent my late teens and most of my 20’s having fun. I didn’t think about my future self, I was living in the moment. I mean, for five years I was living overseas and I knew that had to come to an end at some point but I really had no plans for when I returned, even when I came back home it took me a couple of years to find my feet again. And still, I can’t say I wish I did things differently. I don’t wish I settled down earlier. I had so much fun, some days I still think of summer 2014, it was– the best summer of my life. Of course with fun and games comes heart ache and debt and loss and grief and pain, I get that, but so does marriage, babies, careers and success. Like we may all be 30 now and some may have their dream lives but no one is exempt from the struggle. You know?

What A Time To Be Alone’ by Chidera Eggerue

I recently went away with my parents for a few nights to stay near the beach and as I was practicing gratitude, I felt like…I have everything I could possibly ever want, right here, right now. I have my family, my health, I have good friends and my goals, my motivation and drive. I have my self and she’s on my side not only that but I love who she is becoming. These feelings of failure may be triggered by what other people say or what other people post and maybe it’s always going to be my battle but at the end of the day I have to own my life, my choices and where I am now.

Anyway, I promised not to lecture so here is my pre-birthday vent … to 30 yeah? ❤

Ef xo

Im going to go with Introverted…

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When I was a kid my Mum would say to me, ‘If you want a friend, be one.’
As I grow older and my life continues to change, some of my friendships grow distant.
And it makes me think, are we actually growing apart or do I just need to be a better friend?
I have this fear as we are all drifting apart that it’s because I might be doing something wrong. Maybe I’m not being a good enough friend, I’m not asking enough about their life, or saying the right thing at the right time, not being supportive enough or calling or texting enough.
But the thing is, I’m not sure everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever, what was the norm when we were 21 isn’t so much the norm at 28.
Life changes and schedules get busier, family time takes priority and workloads are heavier. Ambitions are stronger, and the motivation is relentless. I think its natural, as it is sad, that friendships fade as you get older.
I do think Mum’s advice still stands though, ‘If you want a friend, be a friend.’

So, It’s 9 pm on Friday night, I’m home alone. I’m eating lightly salted popcorn, watching Netflix and writing to you. I think I’m home alone by choice? I mean, I know that if someone invited me to go out right now the answer ‘in my head’ would be a hell no. And I’d unashamedly tell them I’m in bed already #sorrybabe…next time.
But would I even go next time?
It’s that fine line of wanting to be invited out, but also never wanting to leave the house.
That want to be wanted but also pretty content in your own company.
And in turn, making it slightly difficult to make new friendships in your late 20’s.

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Have you ever done the Myers-Briggs personality type test? It’s used so frequently by businesses, in work places, on dating sites, and just generally well known for being so on point. I’ve done it quite a few times (for fun) and I spent a moment doing it again this afternoon.
According to the Myers-Briggs test, there are 16 different types of personalities. I fluctuate between INFP and ENFP. I’m assuming it’s because my general emotional state of being fluctuates just the same. The NFP part of it stands for Intuition, Feeling, and Perception. Whilst the I and the E stand for Introversion and Extroversion.

At least I know I’m intuitive and perceiving but what the fuck??!!
Do I like being around people or nah?
This is something I have genuinely struggled with in my mid-late 20’s. I want to be the life of the party. I am the life of the party, but I know what’s good for my soul and it’s not a party.  I crave the company but when I get it, I want it out of the door as quickly as it entered.
Do you see my dilemma?

When I was younger I was a lot more extroverted than I am now, pair that with self-confidence, dominance, and a touch of narcissism. I was a fire sign burning out of control. Too much alone time would leave me bored and restless, interacting with other people was my recharge.
And don’t get me wrong, when it’s called for, I still love being the centre of attention.
For example: Group interviews = smash them.
Oral presentations, I’ll go last so you won’t forget me.
Dinner parties? I’ll almost always sit at the head of the table.
I love the sound of my own voice and I’m not shy of the camera, on my good days.
But I need my space.

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I recently left my crib for 4 exhausting, very long days and attended a Health and Wellness conference. There were thousands of healthbrandfreak girls there, all decked out in their floral print dresses and heels, chatting not stop, sipping on pomegranate and lime detox tea, high on life. I cried.
No seriously…..I cried.
It was too much to deal with. I needed my down time, I needed to recoup, I needed space to bounce back. I just needed 1 day off to myself, to gain back my thoughts, wash my hair, moisturise, relax my mind and recharge. 4 days is a long time.

Its true that some people draw energy from others, from their outside environment, and some draw from within.
I definitely draw my energy from my Zen 28-year-old inner self that only makes an appearance when I’m alone.

The 4 day Conference was eye opening for me, not only did I discover that I stand out like a sore thumb at a Health and Wellness conference but apparently floral print is still trending like never before. These sorts of movements will only continue to grow as time goes on (and all power to them), but I dont think I see myself ever attending something on such a large scale ever again.
Im content with how I’ve changed over the years, I’ve experienced the wildfire that spreads super quick when my extroversion is at its peak. And for now, I enjoy the introvert life. I learn more, I sleep more and I make choices im proud of on a daily basis.


Making new friendships in your late 20’s is slightly difficult, even more so when you’re turning down invitations for a night out, to stay at home.

‘If you want a friend, be one’
But maybe its not all about that, maybe its about being your own friend first.

hmmm

Ef xx

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