Let’s talk about it baby

TW: sexual experiences, dry spells, masturbation.

I know that no one really ever talks about their lack of sex. I mean, your friends might say ‘omg its been like 3 weeks since I’ve had sex’ …and for some reason this dry spell has negative connotations. So when someone goes without sex for A LOT longer than that we just don’t know …because we don’t talk about it. But why not? Sex is such an important part of our lives so why aren’t we having conversations about why …we …aren’t…getting …any…

I’ll go first. From age 17 to a couple of years ago I thought my sex life was pretty healthy. I mean, the people I was having sex with weren’t always the most healthy people to have in my life and some were a little toxic but my attitude towards sex and how it benefited me was positive. and then something changed. I think I came to a point where I started to find my feet and ground myself a little you know? I stopped chasing ‘feeling good’. I started to practice the art of just sitting with my feelings but then this led to reflecting. The thing about reflecting is it can bring up a whole lotta crap if you dwell long enough. I reflected on some really shit past sexual experiences, ones that I think may have shaped (or at least helped shape) my poor self-image and self-worth. And it was like a switch…one day I had feelings of confidence, I felt ‘sexy’ and shameless then the next day I felt violated, fragile and my confidence sunk deep into my stomach. I guess after that I became closed off. I was always somewhat a private person but this was different. It was as if closing myself off and becoming emotionally and sexually unavailable… gave me back control. Yes, I was restricting people’s access to me and yes I have every right to do that. But it just makes me sad the way it played out.

Anyway, that’s the back story. I guess my experiences affected how I feel about sex, what it means to me, and how i’ll approach it moving forward. Learning to take care of my needs, accept myself and love myself has been a massive theme this year. I feel like it’s been a running theme for a while now but I’ve been putting in the work in 2020. So in saying that, there’s a few things that contribute to how I’ve been thriving.

Masturbation. I cannot stress this enough, masturbation is a fun time. I was recently reading a post on Insta that asked women why they don’t masturbate. Responses came in such as ‘I can’t be bothered peeing afterwards’ and ‘I live with my parents so it’s awkward’ and ‘I get sad that I am all alone, I would rather just not be reminded of that’ and ‘It’s triggering for me’. I think all of these responses are relatable on some level. I’ve always been one to get myself off just never so much since I haven’t had a sexual partner. Masturbation requires no justification BUT I’m in this habit now of doing it either when I wake up or before I go to sleep at night (ps. not every single day, no) because 1) it feels good, but 2) building a strong relationship with myself is number-one. Understanding what I like and don’t like, what feels good, what really doesn’t, what positions I like, what kind of hurts, is important to me. I get there’s only so much you can do alone but when you’re with someone else it’s not just about you… in-fact from past experiences it’s hardly ever been about me and I think that’s why this is so essential to me. Also sex toys. I do find spending that little extra on a vibrator, like a silent one to take away any awkwardness if other people are home, a water proof one to use in the shower, one that I really love the feel/ look of… makes a big difference. Also the thing about a vibrator is that it genuinely takes pressure off your body. I mean maybe some people like feeling as though they are doing an ab workout while masturbating but I personally cba.

So exercise became a massive way for me to get that similar high. Honestly exercise releases endorphins for real… I started off a while ago with weight training and then moved onto power lifting, but tbf I wasn’t getting that mental clarity I needed after a session. If I’m doing it for my mental health then I want to feel mentally good afterwards (not in physical pain thanks). So I moved onto cardio sessions and it clears my head so much. I feel ‘happiness’ afterwards, like actual joy.

One more thing, SKYPE SEX is still a real thing babe. Or face-time or zoom or snapchat or whatever. When there’s something stopping you from physically having sex with someone (be it fear of intimacy, past sexual experiences or Covid-19 etc…) video sex is so helpful. I met a guy at the gym last year (and who knows what is going on with us, that is a story for another post) but during Covid lock-down we spent a lot of time having video sex. And I won’t lie, this whole set up really worked for me. I mean, we didn’t really have a choice because of the virus but we could pleasure each other without being in bed together. Different but fun.

I don’t think I have much more to say but I know sex is important to a lot of us, so when there is a lack thereof.. it can be really upsetting.

Here’s to the process ❤️

Ef xx

How much do you love yourself?

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How much do you love yourself?
If you really think about it, how kind are you to you?

When we think about ourselves the first things we point out are our flaws, it’s become natural to do so, we all do it.
But sometimes we can go too far with the negative self-talk and before we know it…we’re caught up in something more harmful.
As women we all feel pressure to look a certain way but remain modest about ourselves because we don’t want to be seen as a ‘bitch’ or ‘up ourselves’.
I want to share my personal story of body image in hope that it might just make someone in a similar situation think twice.

I suppose I am tall, I stand at 172cm and I weigh what’s deemed a healthy BMI.
I have always eaten super healthy and taken care of my body. As kids my parents didn’t shower us with sugary foods or take- away very often. I have fond memories of my mum picking me and my siblings up from school, we would come home to a platter of broccoli and carrot with hummus. As a treat on a rainy day it was 2-minute noodles and a warm Milo (which I still crave now whenever it rains).
But as I got older, (for me this happened post High School which I am told is rarer) I developed an eating disorder, Anorexia.
You see, I left school and I realised the world of being a young female was pretty damn scary in a way. To be thin was and still is deemed desirable and when I was in school social media wasn’t as huge as it is now, the Kardashians weren’t a thing. Big booties and lip fillers weren’t the latest craze.

Initially, my reasons were to be as healthy as I possibly could be and let me tell you that slope gets really slippery really quick.

I was in my first year of University, I was studying a Bachelor of Science majoring in Nutritional Medicine. I had this idea in my head of how a Nutritionist was meant to look
and boy did I cling to that image like my nephew grabbing my hair, tight really tight.
I want to say I was 23 but my short-term memory is poor now. I was living out of home, I had a very sick brother and I was stressed – I was beyond stressed. And the way I deal with stress is gym (normally that’s fine) but the amount of time I was spending at the gym became scary. I wasn’t eating anything to fuel my body and for a while you think you can handle it all, that you’ve got it under control….. well little secret, it’s a fucking bitch of a disease. It grips you so tight that you aren’t you anymore, you become this version of you who is angry and scared and lashes out at the people you love.

I spent a lot of time in and out of doctors rooms, attached to various monitors that checked for everything, all in the hope that I could be freed from this horrible grip it had me under. But its grip is so strong, it’s terrifying. Over the next 18 months it had me prisoner, I couldn’t go to see friends, Uni became awfully hard, to even think just hurt my brain and I couldn’t walk very far away from my mum because I was afraid I’d faint.
My poor family had to watch me go through this, all the while my brother was so ill he was in hospital for months.

Anorexia isolates you.
In the beginning it seems like your friend, ‘you can do another 30 minutes of exercise easy!’ or ‘don’t eat that, girl think of how much time it takes to work off’.
It takes over your body and uses you as a vessel and in order for it to get stronger it sucks its energy from you.
It took two years from my life and left me with health issues as a souvenir.
I didn’t have a life for that entire time, people looked at me with pity and judgement in their eyes. I barely slept and if I did sleep, it was only a few hours here and there and I needed my mum next to me. I was lucky that she was there to hold my hand through the entire thing and to this day when I bring up that period in time I can see the sad look on her face and it kills me inside.

I have recovered now, I wouldn’t say 100% more like 90%. I still have thoughts that I have to deal with every day. I still see a psychologist to help me even years later to rid my mental health of that obnoxious weed.
But I can say with 100% certainty I love who I am, I love my body that kept me alive for those two years when I treated it so horribly.
I love me and I am more than just a size on a tag or a pimple that pops up at the most annoying of times. I treat my body like the temple it is, I feed myself food that will nourish me and I practice mindfulness….
Why? because I am human and while I am in this suit for hire I am going to treat myself with the upmost love and respect I deserve.
So why not start loving yourself a little more.
There is never a thing as too much love. I wish that self love was the norm.
Start simple, when you wake up each day and look in the mirror, tell yourself you are a boss bitch and you’ve got this!
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G.S xx