Let’s talk about it baby

TW: sexual experiences, dry spells, masturbation.

I know that no one really ever talks about their lack of sex. I mean, your friends might say ‘omg its been like 3 weeks since I’ve had sex’ …and for some reason this dry spell has negative connotations. So when someone goes without sex for A LOT longer than that we just don’t know …because we don’t talk about it. But why not? Sex is such an important part of our lives so why aren’t we having conversations about why …we …aren’t…getting …any…

I’ll go first. From age 17 to a couple of years ago I thought my sex life was pretty healthy. I mean, the people I was having sex with weren’t always the most healthy people to have in my life and some were a little toxic but my attitude towards sex and how it benefited me was positive. and then something changed. I think I came to a point where I started to find my feet and ground myself a little you know? I stopped chasing ‘feeling good’. I started to practice the art of just sitting with my feelings but then this led to reflecting. The thing about reflecting is it can bring up a whole lotta crap if you dwell long enough. I reflected on some really shit past sexual experiences, ones that I think may have shaped (or at least helped shape) my poor self-image and self-worth. And it was like a switch…one day I had feelings of confidence, I felt ‘sexy’ and shameless then the next day I felt violated, fragile and my confidence sunk deep into my stomach. I guess after that I became closed off. I was always somewhat a private person but this was different. It was as if closing myself off and becoming emotionally and sexually unavailable… gave me back control. Yes, I was restricting people’s access to me and yes I have every right to do that. But it just makes me sad the way it played out.

Anyway, that’s the back story. I guess my experiences affected how I feel about sex, what it means to me, and how i’ll approach it moving forward. Learning to take care of my needs, accept myself and love myself has been a massive theme this year. I feel like it’s been a running theme for a while now but I’ve been putting in the work in 2020. So in saying that, there’s a few things that contribute to how I’ve been thriving.

Masturbation. I cannot stress this enough, masturbation is a fun time. I was recently reading a post on Insta that asked women why they don’t masturbate. Responses came in such as ‘I can’t be bothered peeing afterwards’ and ‘I live with my parents so it’s awkward’ and ‘I get sad that I am all alone, I would rather just not be reminded of that’ and ‘It’s triggering for me’. I think all of these responses are relatable on some level. I’ve always been one to get myself off just never so much since I haven’t had a sexual partner. Masturbation requires no justification BUT I’m in this habit now of doing it either when I wake up or before I go to sleep at night (ps. not every single day, no) because 1) it feels good, but 2) building a strong relationship with myself is number-one. Understanding what I like and don’t like, what feels good, what really doesn’t, what positions I like, what kind of hurts, is important to me. I get there’s only so much you can do alone but when you’re with someone else it’s not just about you… in-fact from past experiences it’s hardly ever been about me and I think that’s why this is so essential to me. Also sex toys. I do find spending that little extra on a vibrator, like a silent one to take away any awkwardness if other people are home, a water proof one to use in the shower, one that I really love the feel/ look of… makes a big difference. Also the thing about a vibrator is that it genuinely takes pressure off your body. I mean maybe some people like feeling as though they are doing an ab workout while masturbating but I personally cba.

So exercise became a massive way for me to get that similar high. Honestly exercise releases endorphins for real… I started off a while ago with weight training and then moved onto power lifting, but tbf I wasn’t getting that mental clarity I needed after a session. If I’m doing it for my mental health then I want to feel mentally good afterwards (not in physical pain thanks). So I moved onto cardio sessions and it clears my head so much. I feel ‘happiness’ afterwards, like actual joy.

One more thing, SKYPE SEX is still a real thing babe. Or face-time or zoom or snapchat or whatever. When there’s something stopping you from physically having sex with someone (be it fear of intimacy, past sexual experiences or Covid-19 etc…) video sex is so helpful. I met a guy at the gym last year (and who knows what is going on with us, that is a story for another post) but during Covid lock-down we spent a lot of time having video sex. And I won’t lie, this whole set up really worked for me. I mean, we didn’t really have a choice because of the virus but we could pleasure each other without being in bed together. Different but fun.

I don’t think I have much more to say but I know sex is important to a lot of us, so when there is a lack thereof.. it can be really upsetting.

Here’s to the process ❤️

Ef xx

Feeling Myself

I am naturally a bit of a loner, don’t get me wrong, I love my social time and boy do I thrive in it. There can be nothing better sometimes than to just spend time with a group and enjoy conversations and some laughs. But lately I have retreated a little more into my shell, I am not sure if it is because I have some big things happening on the horizon and maybe my way to process this is to just lock myself away and spend some time by myself. I found myself home alone one Saturday morning (and in my house that is a rarity). The house was quiet and I didn’t have anything to do so I thought, I know what I will do…watch porn without headphones in or on mute! I know female masturbation is a bit of taboo (apparently we don’t do it!) But I spent a good amount of time tending to my needs and fuck it was amazing! I was feeling a little melancholy pre masturbation but post masturbation I was feeling like I was floating and I did that all by myself!!! BOSS BITCH!!..

Earlier in the week I had a conversation with my Mum and sister about when my parents had ‘the talk’ with us and how it was different to the one they gave my brother. How they spoke about masturbation to him and that it was completely normal but they never mentioned it on our talks. Sure, this probably wasn’t unlike a lot of other parents when they gave the talk to their daughters. My sister said that she thought it was so wrong and spent so many years thinking it was a bad thing to do and that somehow someone would find out and she would get into trouble. I on the other hand naturally figured it out by myself (we didn’t have smart phones) and I remember thinking I had discovered this amazing thing that made me feel really happy.

We live in a society now where everyone has access to everything, we grow up faster than we ever did generations before us. But why in 2019 is female masturbation not really something that is brought up? I mean I have seen a few things here and there on various blogs or articles, but it’s not as main stream as male masturbation. It is such a natural act and yet many women keep it a secret, like it is something that’s dirty or wrong.

I remember when I stumbled upon a great T.V show Broad City and they were doing it and talking about it and I was in my early twenties thinking YES!! This is the shit we need to see and it not being sexualised but just a natural act that we as women engage in, just like men do and it’s perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed about.

I think as females we can tend to feel a bit like objects when it comes to sex but we need to turn that and be proud to be strong females who masturbate and we don’t need another person to engage in that with us (not all the time at least) but we can use masturbation as a way of reconnecting with ourselves. We have the power whether be by our own hands or the help of devices, we can make ourselves orgasm and I think we should be so fucking proud of ourselves that we can do that! Masturbation is a gift and we should embrace it and experiment with it!

Happy masturbating

G.S xx

Disclaimer – Only positive comments will be approved. Our blog is a safe place and all negative comments will be ignored. xx

Whats the damn rush?

IMG_9715 (1)

 

In the lead up to turning 28 this year, I had my usual pre-birthday anxiety. For some reason I will go ‘all out’ for other peoples birthdays, but when it comes to mine…I am really not a fan. During the lead up I was thinking, ‘Oh my god…28 is proper adult age, isn’t this the age im meant to have my shit together!!?!?!!’
My family kept asking what I had planned for it and honestly, the more low key the better! So the days got closer and I was growing more anxious because this meant I was ageing and this was the oldest I had ever been and I was no longer in the cute ‘mid-twenties’ bracket I was officially in my ‘late-twenties’. My family and friends were walking on egg shells around me and honestly I just didn’t know how to cope with turning this one year older.

When the day finally arrived, I actually didn’t care. For the first time in years I actually didn’t care about turning another year older. Being 28, I feel really good. I had to remind myself that, mentally I am in the best frame of mind I have ever been in and physically I feel better than what I did at 18 years old. So you know what? I am embracing ageing. I dont know why I’ve experienced this shift in mindset but I think that im growing more mature and less bothered about giving a shit about things I dont need to.

IMG_9729

The hands of time will keep moving, it will drag you kicking and screaming and you have no choice but to go along for the ride.

Who says that by this age I should be engaged? or even thinking of getting engaged if I had a serious partner of 2.5 years. Who says that I should be pumping out some babies or at least be thinking about pregnancy (OR at the very least be coming off my birth control). Who says that I should be in a proper ‘stable’ career and not at Uni as a mature age student? Who says I should be investing in my first home or even saving for one? Honestly who? … Cause if I find them I will politely tell them to mind their own god damn business.

IMG_9730

I am 28 and I am working on my own timeline, the one that I have set for me. You want to know whats at the top of my list? 1) Being happy with myself, finding out who I am and what I like and the things I want to put my energy into.
I am in no rush to settle down to the standards of what society thinks we should all be doing as we get older.

In saying that, if you want to get engaged, married, start having babies and buying houses – then all power to you ! But everyone needs to start doing them and stop worrying about what other people are doing. Don’t rain on my parade.

We all get to where we need to go in the end, so why the rush?

G.S xx

IMG_9731

Disclaimer – Only positive comments will be approved. Our blog is a safe place and all negative comments will be ignored. xx

Are you taking responsibility?

IMG_9657

I recently decided to put down my phone, step away from Netflix and get back into reading. I am not the type of girl that reads novels about love and empty promises, more the type to learn about how we tick and about our brains…..you can find me in the psychology and motivation isle of Dymocks during most lunch breaks.

So I did a little haul and tucked into my first book like Charlie Bucket tucking into all the sweets that Willy Wonka’s factory had to offer. I was hungry, hungry to learn.
And learn I did, I learnt so much that I went on a reading binge.
And do you know what I found out that was really simple yet needs to be smacked into your face sometimes? …..I am responsible. I am responsible for me and my actions and reactions. I didn’t realise this, well subconsciously I knew this, but consciously I didn’t.

Anyway, so being the sharer I am, I wanted to share with you guys in a ‘non preachy’ way, because I hope this will aid someone in some way?
The long and the short of it is – we cant control what people do to us. Yes, I know that sucks sometimes, wouldn’t it be easy if you could control some things… like that nice little top you saw at Zara last week on sale still being there when you get paid (fingers crossed for me please). Some stuff that happens to us straight up sucks and we cant always see the good in it or even the lesson at first or …ever. BUT what we can do is control and take responsibility for how we chose to react and move past this crappy stuff that happens to us.

IMG_9655

As you might be aware I am very open about my struggles with Anxiety, I dont like to keep it hidden away like a dirty little secret because I am not ashamed of it.
But I will say (and this may not help everyone with their struggle with anxiety but whats the harm in trying), I am now looking at things that happen to me like, ‘well OK, thanks for cheating on me – that sucks, but thats on you not me..all I can do is be responsible for how I let this crushing news affect me.’ Or another example, ‘you dont like me back (cute guy I have been into for like 6 weeks, and I feel like its going somewhere) OK then, its all good. I am responsible for how I deal with this.’ OR your friends wont text you back in a ‘normal’ texting response time, mmmmmm OK ‘not bothered’, pop that phone on hide alerts and go live your life.
(unless you asked them a question and you kind of need to know asap if the outfit you are trying on in Myer looks too mature for your damn fine 28 year old self) etc etc blah blah blah you get the point.

IMG_9653

Where I am going with this is…. are we carrying too much responsibility on our anxiety riddled plates? Can we afford to lose some of that heavy load?
Take a little time to assess what it is that is giving you anxiety right now. Write a list if you need to. (I do this and btw, its actually really good to see it written down on paper and you start to think…..wtf ….why did I write that?)

Lets try and ease our anxiety load and feel a little bit lighter. Taking responsibility by reassessing how we act and react. We all deserve that, we all deserve to feel a little freer in our lives. Switch off our devices, YES we hear this a lot but seriously not being connected makes us more connected. I cannot tell you how amazing it has been to get home from work and be excited to read in bed with my little diffuser going. Its utter peace.
And another little unexpected side effect, apart from how much better my sleep has been since I have cut down my screen time, my darling mother said that I seem to be a lot calmer.
So there you go my sweet little rays of moon shine, pop down the phone, pick up a book and tune out.

Happy Reading
G.S xx

IMG_9658

3 Things I’m loving right now…

“She gave it all, you gave her shit
She coulda done, just anything
Or anyone, cause she’s a goddess
You never got this
You put her down, you liked her hopeless
To walk around, feeling unnoticed
You shoulda crowned her, cause she’s a goddess
You never got this”IMG_9524

  1. Look, maybe I’m a little late to the game, but Banks is breathing new life into my soul every morning with her damn good music. I’ve been listening to her on Spotify repetitively and I don’t see myself getting sick of her music anytime soon. I’m obsessing…..IMG_9567
  2. GirlTherapy!!! I followed @girltherapy on Insta and subscribed to their DAILY newsletter.  I actually get therapy sent to my inbox every.single.day. Which is exactly what I need after a long day at work, when I just want some damn words of encouragement ….or something a little deeper. Great advice, amazing pick-me-ups and cute memes – ALL FOR FREE. IMG_9569
  3. So, my friend sent me a gift. A Gratitude Journal, 100 days of gratitude will change your life, by Natalie Fox. IMG_9565Super thoughtful of her but at first I wasn’t really into it. I placed it at the bottom of my bookshelf to collect dust with the idea that I would re-gift it at some point. HOWEVER, over the last few weeks I’ve been writing in it. It’s simple, cute and it actually really helps to bring my mind out of a funky place. Replacing negative thoughts with gratitude may actually be my new thing. IMG_9635

Just a few things I’m loving right now, keeping me going, keeping me sane.
Ef xx

Anxiety is a bitch

IMG_9570

Anxiety is a bitch to live with.
I am naturally quite an anxious ‘over thinking’ person, I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. I come from a beautiful family, my parents are supportive of me and I was fortunate enough to have Mum be at home full time when I was younger. As a child I was never too far from my Mum, as an adult I look back and think that may have contributed to my anxiety. I wasn’t a kid that loved change, the transition from primary school to high school was beyond traumatic. It may have involved me going to school for only one day, after spending 2 hours in the car that morning crying and refusing to go in – even the principal came out to try and get me to go in…. funny story to share now, at the time not so much.
So now that I am approaching 28,I have gathered some good tips and tricks that I use to keep my anxiety in check. I wanted to share some things that I do when I feel like things are getting a bit too much.

  1. I make sure I have a support system. I think it is super important to make sure that you have a great support system, whether that be friends or family it’s just really great to have someone you know you can rely on. I make sure I avoid toxic people
    and toxic situations as best I can. I will be realistic here – sometimes it may be
    someone from work like a shitty boss, where unless you leave, then you kind of can’t do too much about it. If I’m in that situation I have to use different coping
    mechanisms. I have been there, where I dread going into work each day and I can’t wait to leave! Sometimes I’ve had to sit and write out the pros and cons of staying at that particular toxic workplace.IMG_9571
  2. A big way that I deal with my anxiety is by exercise. I find it so helpful to just sweat and move, because I know for the duration of the workout my brain has a little holiday. When I say workout, for me it can be something as simple as a walk, a yoga session, tai chi or something as intense as F45. It’s really been about setting my own pace and finding what makes me feel good in that moment.
  3. Meditation! I like to meditate daily, but sometimes I just can’t get that happening. On these days I try and aim for 15 minutes of just lying in savasana literally just means laying on your back. There are heaps of meditation apps which are really great, there’s a few free ones which are awesome.
  4. Self-care Sunday’s are my favourite day of the week! I always keep Sunday free for
    myself. When you work 5 days a week and you only get 2 days off, you really need to schedule some alone time in there. I like to have a bath with a lovely, chunky, amazing smelling Lush bath bomb! I pop on a movie or tv show on my laptop, pour myself some kombucha and settle in with a hair mask and face mask on. That way, I finish off my weekend and head into a new week feeling like I have given myself some proper down time and love.IMG_9572
  5. I see a professional to talk through my anxieties which works amazingly for me. It’s very freeing and I always feel like my mind is a clean slate afterwards. They can be quite expensive to be honest, and I know I don’t have the budget for one. When I first started, I spoke with my doctor about going on a mental health care plan and now I get the sessions subsidised. But I know there is also online counselling which is becoming super popular. I’ve looked into it and It’s very helpful because you have regular access to trained professionals via the internet from your laptop or phone, you can choose your preferred method of contact and it’s normally much cheaper than an in-person session.

OK so like I said at the beginning, anxiety is a bitch, but I’ve learnt over the years how to cope and better live with it every day with just a few simple things. I live a full and happy life. Sometimes it’s just about stepping back and asking, am ‘I loving on myself right now?’

G.S xx

Im going to go with Introverted…

ms-q1jjbt

When I was a kid my Mum would say to me, ‘If you want a friend, be one.’
As I grow older and my life continues to change, some of my friendships grow distant.
And it makes me think, are we actually growing apart or do I just need to be a better friend?
I have this fear as we are all drifting apart that it’s because I might be doing something wrong. Maybe I’m not being a good enough friend, I’m not asking enough about their life, or saying the right thing at the right time, not being supportive enough or calling or texting enough.
But the thing is, I’m not sure everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever, what was the norm when we were 21 isn’t so much the norm at 28.
Life changes and schedules get busier, family time takes priority and workloads are heavier. Ambitions are stronger, and the motivation is relentless. I think its natural, as it is sad, that friendships fade as you get older.
I do think Mum’s advice still stands though, ‘If you want a friend, be a friend.’

So, It’s 9 pm on Friday night, I’m home alone. I’m eating lightly salted popcorn, watching Netflix and writing to you. I think I’m home alone by choice? I mean, I know that if someone invited me to go out right now the answer ‘in my head’ would be a hell no. And I’d unashamedly tell them I’m in bed already #sorrybabe…next time.
But would I even go next time?
It’s that fine line of wanting to be invited out, but also never wanting to leave the house.
That want to be wanted but also pretty content in your own company.
And in turn, making it slightly difficult to make new friendships in your late 20’s.

ms-hm9aha

Have you ever done the Myers-Briggs personality type test? It’s used so frequently by businesses, in work places, on dating sites, and just generally well known for being so on point. I’ve done it quite a few times (for fun) and I spent a moment doing it again this afternoon.
According to the Myers-Briggs test, there are 16 different types of personalities. I fluctuate between INFP and ENFP. I’m assuming it’s because my general emotional state of being fluctuates just the same. The NFP part of it stands for Intuition, Feeling, and Perception. Whilst the I and the E stand for Introversion and Extroversion.

At least I know I’m intuitive and perceiving but what the fuck??!!
Do I like being around people or nah?
This is something I have genuinely struggled with in my mid-late 20’s. I want to be the life of the party. I am the life of the party, but I know what’s good for my soul and it’s not a party.  I crave the company but when I get it, I want it out of the door as quickly as it entered.
Do you see my dilemma?

When I was younger I was a lot more extroverted than I am now, pair that with self-confidence, dominance, and a touch of narcissism. I was a fire sign burning out of control. Too much alone time would leave me bored and restless, interacting with other people was my recharge.
And don’t get me wrong, when it’s called for, I still love being the centre of attention.
For example: Group interviews = smash them.
Oral presentations, I’ll go last so you won’t forget me.
Dinner parties? I’ll almost always sit at the head of the table.
I love the sound of my own voice and I’m not shy of the camera, on my good days.
But I need my space.

ms-tVSXWy (1)

I recently left my crib for 4 exhausting, very long days and attended a Health and Wellness conference. There were thousands of healthbrandfreak girls there, all decked out in their floral print dresses and heels, chatting not stop, sipping on pomegranate and lime detox tea, high on life. I cried.
No seriously…..I cried.
It was too much to deal with. I needed my down time, I needed to recoup, I needed space to bounce back. I just needed 1 day off to myself, to gain back my thoughts, wash my hair, moisturise, relax my mind and recharge. 4 days is a long time.

Its true that some people draw energy from others, from their outside environment, and some draw from within.
I definitely draw my energy from my Zen 28-year-old inner self that only makes an appearance when I’m alone.

The 4 day Conference was eye opening for me, not only did I discover that I stand out like a sore thumb at a Health and Wellness conference but apparently floral print is still trending like never before. These sorts of movements will only continue to grow as time goes on (and all power to them), but I dont think I see myself ever attending something on such a large scale ever again.
Im content with how I’ve changed over the years, I’ve experienced the wildfire that spreads super quick when my extroversion is at its peak. And for now, I enjoy the introvert life. I learn more, I sleep more and I make choices im proud of on a daily basis.


Making new friendships in your late 20’s is slightly difficult, even more so when you’re turning down invitations for a night out, to stay at home.

‘If you want a friend, be one’
But maybe its not all about that, maybe its about being your own friend first.

hmmm

Ef xx

img_8709

.

Self care tips for the low times

Lately I’ve been feeling a little down, a little depressed and really not myself. It’s a feeling I’m used to and a feeling I’m sure, many can relate to.

Mental health is a number one priority to me and this last week of feeling low has got me thinking how glad I am that I have an action plan to put in place during these times.

Its taken me years to master the art of self care and sometimes when I’m feeling depressed, I forget that the only person who can make me feel better is actually me.

Here are my main 10 that keep me going

#1 I’m really into a good skin care routine, morning and night. Cleanser, toner, serum, moisturiser, eye cream- the whole works.

#2 When no one is home, I go to my Spotify app and basically play whatever the hell I want. I’m loving international music at the moment because it makes me feel like I’m anywhere but here.

#3 I delete the social media apps until I’m feeling better and read a good book. I recently read quite a few self help/ personal growth type books, which I’ll do a post on soon. To be honest, I feel like some of them repeat the same shit and the main take away is mindfulness. But it’s good to read a book that fuels your soul with positivity when you’re down.

#4 I do a full body moisturise session at night – I can’t recommend this enough. Going to bed and waking up with soft skin is the best feeling.

#5 I drink herbal tea before bed. It’s calming and detoxing.

#6 POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS. I’m not one to stand in front of the mirror and tell myself I’m a goddess but journaling affirmations is a great time. It’s something that took me ages to get on board with because I found it kind of lame at first, but it feels so good to write positively about yourself. Especially when you’re feeling down and need a mind-shift asap.

#7 I take a long arse shower. I’m not really a bath person but if no one is home I’ll take the longest shower of the year. Someone told me recently that ‘lonely’ people shower longer because the hot water falling on their body makes them feel less alone…. I’ll have to agree with that. The hot water does me wonders.

#8 I stay hydrated – I drink a hell of a lot more water than usual.

#9 I eat something I love. I don’t binge eat but I forget about the calories, gluten and fat content for a night and eat something I really enjoy. I am loving strawberry sorbet at the moment and it’s my go to ‘sad food’.

#10 I text a friend. I never used to tell anyone when I was down but these days I do. I’ll send a friend a text or give a friend a phone call. Being that little bit more open with someone close about how I’m feeling, makes me feel better within minutes and makes me realise I’m not alone. It helps to connect when you’re feeling so disconnected- with someone who loves you for you. There’s no shame in feeling down. Life gets tough and friends should be there for each other.

Going through depressive episodes is hard. I know some get it worse than me and I can’t even imagine how shit that is. Some may eye roll at my self care tips but these things have really helped me push through on a bad day. It’s the little things we do for ourselves that make a big difference.

All I can say is things get better. Maybe things get hard again, but then they get better again.

Hang in there, listen to some cool music, wash your face and eat some strawberry sorbet.

Ef. xx

How much do you love yourself?

IMG_8270 (1)

How much do you love yourself?
If you really think about it, how kind are you to you?

When we think about ourselves the first things we point out are our flaws, it’s become natural to do so, we all do it.
But sometimes we can go too far with the negative self-talk and before we know it…we’re caught up in something more harmful.
As women we all feel pressure to look a certain way but remain modest about ourselves because we don’t want to be seen as a ‘bitch’ or ‘up ourselves’.
I want to share my personal story of body image in hope that it might just make someone in a similar situation think twice.

I suppose I am tall, I stand at 172cm and I weigh what’s deemed a healthy BMI.
I have always eaten super healthy and taken care of my body. As kids my parents didn’t shower us with sugary foods or take- away very often. I have fond memories of my mum picking me and my siblings up from school, we would come home to a platter of broccoli and carrot with hummus. As a treat on a rainy day it was 2-minute noodles and a warm Milo (which I still crave now whenever it rains).
But as I got older, (for me this happened post High School which I am told is rarer) I developed an eating disorder, Anorexia.
You see, I left school and I realised the world of being a young female was pretty damn scary in a way. To be thin was and still is deemed desirable and when I was in school social media wasn’t as huge as it is now, the Kardashians weren’t a thing. Big booties and lip fillers weren’t the latest craze.

Initially, my reasons were to be as healthy as I possibly could be and let me tell you that slope gets really slippery really quick.

I was in my first year of University, I was studying a Bachelor of Science majoring in Nutritional Medicine. I had this idea in my head of how a Nutritionist was meant to look
and boy did I cling to that image like my nephew grabbing my hair, tight really tight.
I want to say I was 23 but my short-term memory is poor now. I was living out of home, I had a very sick brother and I was stressed – I was beyond stressed. And the way I deal with stress is gym (normally that’s fine) but the amount of time I was spending at the gym became scary. I wasn’t eating anything to fuel my body and for a while you think you can handle it all, that you’ve got it under control….. well little secret, it’s a fucking bitch of a disease. It grips you so tight that you aren’t you anymore, you become this version of you who is angry and scared and lashes out at the people you love.

I spent a lot of time in and out of doctors rooms, attached to various monitors that checked for everything, all in the hope that I could be freed from this horrible grip it had me under. But its grip is so strong, it’s terrifying. Over the next 18 months it had me prisoner, I couldn’t go to see friends, Uni became awfully hard, to even think just hurt my brain and I couldn’t walk very far away from my mum because I was afraid I’d faint.
My poor family had to watch me go through this, all the while my brother was so ill he was in hospital for months.

Anorexia isolates you.
In the beginning it seems like your friend, ‘you can do another 30 minutes of exercise easy!’ or ‘don’t eat that, girl think of how much time it takes to work off’.
It takes over your body and uses you as a vessel and in order for it to get stronger it sucks its energy from you.
It took two years from my life and left me with health issues as a souvenir.
I didn’t have a life for that entire time, people looked at me with pity and judgement in their eyes. I barely slept and if I did sleep, it was only a few hours here and there and I needed my mum next to me. I was lucky that she was there to hold my hand through the entire thing and to this day when I bring up that period in time I can see the sad look on her face and it kills me inside.

I have recovered now, I wouldn’t say 100% more like 90%. I still have thoughts that I have to deal with every day. I still see a psychologist to help me even years later to rid my mental health of that obnoxious weed.
But I can say with 100% certainty I love who I am, I love my body that kept me alive for those two years when I treated it so horribly.
I love me and I am more than just a size on a tag or a pimple that pops up at the most annoying of times. I treat my body like the temple it is, I feed myself food that will nourish me and I practice mindfulness….
Why? because I am human and while I am in this suit for hire I am going to treat myself with the upmost love and respect I deserve.
So why not start loving yourself a little more.
There is never a thing as too much love. I wish that self love was the norm.
Start simple, when you wake up each day and look in the mirror, tell yourself you are a boss bitch and you’ve got this!
IMG_8280

G.S xx