TW: sexual experiences, dry spells, masturbation.
I know that no one really ever talks about their lack of sex. I mean, your friends might say ‘omg its been like 3 weeks since I’ve had sex’ …and for some reason this dry spell has negative connotations. So when someone goes without sex for A LOT longer than that we just don’t know …because we don’t talk about it. But why not? Sex is such an important part of our lives so why aren’t we having conversations about why …we …aren’t…getting …any…
I’ll go first. From age 17 to a couple of years ago I thought my sex life was pretty healthy. I mean, the people I was having sex with weren’t always the most healthy people to have in my life and some were a little toxic but my attitude towards sex and how it benefited me was positive. and then something changed. I think I came to a point where I started to find my feet and ground myself a little you know? I stopped chasing ‘feeling good’. I started to practice the art of just sitting with my feelings but then this led to reflecting. The thing about reflecting is it can bring up a whole lotta crap if you dwell long enough. I reflected on some really shit past sexual experiences, ones that I think may have shaped (or at least helped shape) my poor self-image and self-worth. And it was like a switch…one day I had feelings of confidence, I felt ‘sexy’ and shameless then the next day I felt violated, fragile and my confidence sunk deep into my stomach. I guess after that I became closed off. I was always somewhat a private person but this was different. It was as if closing myself off and becoming emotionally and sexually unavailable… gave me back control. Yes, I was restricting people’s access to me and yes I have every right to do that. But it just makes me sad the way it played out.
Anyway, that’s the back story. I guess my experiences affected how I feel about sex, what it means to me, and how i’ll approach it moving forward. Learning to take care of my needs, accept myself and love myself has been a massive theme this year. I feel like it’s been a running theme for a while now but I’ve been putting in the work in 2020. So in saying that, there’s a few things that contribute to how I’ve been thriving.
Masturbation. I cannot stress this enough, masturbation is a fun time. I was recently reading a post on Insta that asked women why they don’t masturbate. Responses came in such as ‘I can’t be bothered peeing afterwards’ and ‘I live with my parents so it’s awkward’ and ‘I get sad that I am all alone, I would rather just not be reminded of that’ and ‘It’s triggering for me’. I think all of these responses are relatable on some level. I’ve always been one to get myself off just never so much since I haven’t had a sexual partner. Masturbation requires no justification BUT I’m in this habit now of doing it either when I wake up or before I go to sleep at night (ps. not every single day, no) because 1) it feels good, but 2) building a strong relationship with myself is number-one. Understanding what I like and don’t like, what feels good, what really doesn’t, what positions I like, what kind of hurts, is important to me. I get there’s only so much you can do alone but when you’re with someone else it’s not just about you… in-fact from past experiences it’s hardly ever been about me and I think that’s why this is so essential to me. Also sex toys. I do find spending that little extra on a vibrator, like a silent one to take away any awkwardness if other people are home, a water proof one to use in the shower, one that I really love the feel/ look of… makes a big difference. Also the thing about a vibrator is that it genuinely takes pressure off your body. I mean maybe some people like feeling as though they are doing an ab workout while masturbating but I personally cba.
So exercise became a massive way for me to get that similar high. Honestly exercise releases endorphins for real… I started off a while ago with weight training and then moved onto power lifting, but tbf I wasn’t getting that mental clarity I needed after a session. If I’m doing it for my mental health then I want to feel mentally good afterwards (not in physical pain thanks). So I moved onto cardio sessions and it clears my head so much. I feel ‘happiness’ afterwards, like actual joy.
One more thing, SKYPE SEX is still a real thing babe. Or face-time or zoom or snapchat or whatever. When there’s something stopping you from physically having sex with someone (be it fear of intimacy, past sexual experiences or Covid-19 etc…) video sex is so helpful. I met a guy at the gym last year (and who knows what is going on with us, that is a story for another post) but during Covid lock-down we spent a lot of time having video sex. And I won’t lie, this whole set up really worked for me. I mean, we didn’t really have a choice because of the virus but we could pleasure each other without being in bed together. Different but fun.
I don’t think I have much more to say but I know sex is important to a lot of us, so when there is a lack thereof.. it can be really upsetting.
Here’s to the process ❤️